Thursday, 29 May 2014

5 Super Powers That Facebook Endows You With

By Humay Waseem

Tuning into a "mystical" world 

The world of Facebook can be classified as utopian whereby users are endowed with the ability to alter their reality to be perceived a certain way and be surrounded by all things nice. Facebook allows us to “develop” certain “super powers” only possessed by fictional super heroes.

Whether it is appearing hotter, slimmer, smarter, funnier, or as having a more happening life or it is to forge a new identity, vanish into the ether, or be telepathic, Facebook makes it all POSSIBLE.

Here are 5 Marvel Comic characters and their super powers that can be emulated via Facebook:

Morph into a "new" you

1)      Mystique (shape shifter)

With Facebook, you can shape shift into anyone you want to be. Be it a man, woman, celebrity, animal or shoe. Of course, if you are resorting to that behaviour you are either unhappy with your current existence, stalking an ex or trying to pry on attractive unsuspecting prospects who wouldn't give you a second "click" otherwise.

Altering perception

2)      Professor X (Mind control and Telepathy)

On Facebook you can use your FB statuses, or picture posts to forge a certain image of yourself thereby controlling others’ perception of you. Of course, if you go through crazy lengths to do this, such as photoshop the hell out of your pictures people will feel your insecurity from beneath the facade.

You can also develop “psychic” abilities by gauging people’s online activities. Their statuses, likes, pictures and posts can give you insights on how they are feeling, who they are dating and whether or not they had a hook up or a break up. Super stalking abilities, in other words. 

Brain Crash

3)      Cypher (Omnilingualism)

Thanks to the google translate website now many can pose to be multi-lingual or omnilingual on Facebook. Be it French, Italian, Yiddish, Cantonese or Estonian- you can sound like you have been globe-trotting all your life. Just be ready to make an ass of yourself when your friend’s cousin from France unexpectedly shows up and says, in François “Votre français est merveilleux, comment avez-vous appris?”

"Living it up" in Paris

4)       Azazil (Teleportation)

If you really want others to think that you are enjoying your next vacation in Monaco, it is fairly simple to “teleport” yourself if you know the simple hacks. Virtually teleport to any destination around the planet in a matter of seconds. Just make a false Facebook check-in at Hotel de Paris Monte-Carlo and make your frenemies green with envy. Of course, if someone catches you purchasing gosht at the local market, be ready to drown in a pool of shame. 

Being invisible

5)      Invisible woman (Invisibility, quite literally)

You can make yourself invisible through a single click by deactivating your Facebook account. When you feel that you cannot take any more attention you can choose to go underground. Your absence may be noticed, or not.

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